Adolescence

Remember me Pankaj, or is it too late, Ten years is long indeed to forget an old mate. You have left Benares behind, maybe the past is no more, Yet one sudden morning, this shows up at your door! But worry not my friend; I don't seek wealth, or a home safe to go, But, this story I have to tell; and I just want you to know, About how the world hurt me, and how I hurt it back, About how I yearned to love, when love was all I lacked, Because, at the end of this battle, After all the blood you shed, and every tear you wipe, You do long for a way to make sense of this life. So it had begun with my birth, a “middle class” I was born, You know the problem about being one is as if to remain one you have sworn! You crave to reach the door out, in it an entire life you spend, But it's the void in between where you keep dwelling till the end! But birth was just the beginning; soon my father would be dead, Dear uncles would grab his money, me and my mother betrayed, With not a bread to eat, not a shed to live, The world would get harsher, but we would still try to cope, Because the middle class we are, we are not allowed to lose hope! And so this kid would wake at dawn, for his age a bit too grown, And sweat his life out at the factory, to make money of his own. Carrying carpets heavier than his weight, and after spending hours in the dark, At last he would stop to watch his friends, while coming back from his work, Some playing marbles across the road, and some fishing along the pool, He can't wait to watch these kids; he can't be late for his school. He would write with the same fingers which had bled during the day. Earning would become his entertainment, and getting to eat, his play. You know, this kid never complained, nor wondered if life was fair, Pankaj this kid, this was me, my childhood was never there. But Pankaj, I made it in the end; the struggle didn't go in vain, As I stood before the college entrance, I knew I would never look back again. I thought I would change the world someday; my eyes had this spark, And in this world full of strangers, I was sure I'll leave my mark. But the world it's a large place, how little did I know, For a layman stuck in Benares how good could it go! We aspired of education and values – all obsolete at this hour; Because the only path to thrive went through the people with power. Soon a shady bungalow found me shaking hands with one of them He thought his fake smile wouldn't tell me that I was just a pawn in their game “The deal is pretty simple”, then his chair he would pull, He said, “You do me a favour, and I make your pockets full”. And I kept doing these favours; I was soon blinded by my greed, I'd loot the debtors, knock the rebels, I'd make innocents bleed. Soon threats changed to theft, the kidnap changed to kill, If my morals tried to take me out, I was reminded of the deal. Later, I would walk with my head sunk; meeting people had become tough, Because I couldn't tell if I have killed someone they used to love. But a part of me had known, that no matter where this path leads, Where I'll stop would be the edge, one day I'll have to pay for my deeds, I've come long from being that kid, who had once left his home to learn, He had killed a lot of people, and now it was going to be his turn. And soon it was the beginning of my end; the world started to want me dead, My demise was the product of the choices I had made. And I thought about the old days, where has my old world crept? It had no one but my mother, with the little time she had left. Now when the fight was over, and I had the longest scar, Having roamed around the world, I craved return back to her Even she kept her share of horrors, but she had kept her world pure, If she sees what I have become, would she still be able to endure? She is breathing what she can, although her eyes hardly have light, But I can't return and risk this life, at least this I have to do right. Pankaj, I had no soul to call my own, no place call home, And now I began to run, And ever since I've been running, I was sure I'll never be done! Pankaj, ten years; ten years it has been, What I ate I couldn't tell, where I slept I didn't know, Was running my role in life; was there nowhere I could go? Now, I often sit back and contemplate, as those days I recall, What did I want from life? Where was I running to after all? And then one day it flashed before my eyes, the realization, at last, I wasn't running to anything, Pankaj, I was running away from my class. The compliance to the violence, and every struggle I ever bore Were all because I didn't want to stay a middle class anymore! You know, we shouldn't even try escaping; rather embrace it with pride, Because this entire place is the middle, there's nothing on either side. It's this maze we are in, and we are told to find the doors, While in real there are none, it's just the walls, ceilings, and floors! You are walking through this flawed road; it doesn't matter where it bends, It just takes you to another one, and this cycle never ends. Pankaj, I've stopped running now, I know I belong to this maze, And it's here with that spark I'll spend my remaining days. It can't tell you where I am, the enemies follow my trails, I am sure before you reach me I will be found by someone else. But Pankaj, I never thought I'll make a friend, but I did, and I'm glad. It's just this once I'll write to you, and we'll never meet, and it's sad Because I will be waiting by this window, and one day the light would grow dull, Those bullets would start coming back; they would be drilling through my skull. It's this simple at the end, you live and you die, And there's just this little story in the middle. My dear friend, goodbye!

Few years back in time when marched his mind, To a thought that now seems the strangest of its kind, To have considered the golden park to be one childish place, Now he observes with a smile, what childishness! For ones accompanying their so called partners for life, Dates or girlfriends, while few emerge with wives, These beloveds keep smiling, while the shy men just sigh, Shifting their gaze across the wide evening sky. In the corner of the park where hormones don't rule, Is swarming with teens, loud and cheerful; There the amusing air is combined with the blends Of cigarette smoke and their weird worldly trends. Towards the end of the lawn, usually dark by the fence, An exaggerated carpet hosts a round conference, As if in the middle of some sort of serious card game, All engaged in silence are the middle aged men. And then the petite ones, they would just shout and sing, As all they care about are the slide and the swing. Swinging and sliding their preoccupied thoughts, From bookish aftermaths to less grave plots. Scattered all around, maybe he notices at last, The bodies in the present, and hearts lost in past, Mingled in memories of their youth made of gold, Making a few more of it is the pack of the old. In a lonely corner with a pen and curious eyes, He was witnessing the strangeness that life implies, And he knows that someday it might get dark, But the moon would never wan o'er the Golden Park.

And it'll remain in my memories, maybe as a wide stretch of blur Struggling as she stands, the first time I see her. She doesn't know which road to take, uneasy and lone, Somehow I know I have found my stray heart a home. In a sea of people who were selfish and rude, As frail as a flower, helpless she stood, And I want to rush past these people, for her hands I would take, And I believe it is worth to put everything at stake. But the same cruel people have thorned the way's length, To seize me to their world against all my strength, I crumbled; I fell, yet at her side as I came I wrapped her in my arms as I guarded her from them. I feel her breath at the end, her fingers clutching my shirt. The quiet sobs of satisfaction, the pleading beats of heart! And all that we feel had our souls shared then, While she feels my Love, I just feel her pain. When I open my eyes she was nowhere to be found, And I wonder with pain, if to their world I am bound! At last behind that crowd, fades the face of someone, Weakly as she smiles, yet failing to stand, And there is my love gently waving her hand.

At this moment I am not on a flight. Not travelling by a car on an edgy hillway. At this moment I am just lying on my bed. This is peaceful. This is not a chaotic border. Not the middle of the ocean. This is just a peaceful place. This kind of peaceful makes a tomorrow certain. That no matter what happens there’s surely a morning on the other side of a few hours. So, at this moment I lie back with patience. I think about a life eventually falling in place. I see the hazy flashes from the times to come. My parents have come to hugging each other again. That book? Yeah I’ve recently published it. Oh, the new car doesn’t have a hood. And she insists on wearing that little ring I gave her in school. So I build hopes at this moment. This moment that I have taken for granted. As if future is so obvious, and continuity — so inevitable. As if such chances like a one in a million aren’t chances at all. As if every moment ever is just like this moment. Only better ahead, and worse left behind. And then I realize, I have never been so unprepared to die as I am at this moment. That if I am taken by surprise and told of a giant meteor that hits the planet in five minutes, I would wake with a jolt, go restless, and get lost at all that was left to happen, and all that I would miss. I would try, and cry, and crave, and spend my last five minutes as the worst five ones. I am so unprepared that if I know that it ends at this moment, I wouldn’t be able to take a walk, I would run.